Reasons I am a less than stellar person:
1. I have a high percentage of getting valid real life crushes on boys with girlfriends. I say valid because its going to be more than just wanting something I “can’t have”. It’s valid “you’re attractive, we have things in common” crushes.
Have never really been my thing. At first, I was really terrible at keeping them. Even for my friends. I eventually got better & gaurded their secrets.
Then, I’ve just been terrible at keeping my own. I’m way too much of an open book. I love to share things & I feel like (sometimes) secrets are a way to keep things you’re ashamed of. I try not to do things I’m ashamed of.
Slowly, I’ve tried to keep more things to myself. Then, tonight…I realized:
I have 3 secrets.
One of them, Hannah knows. This one, I am ashamed of.
The second, no one knows. My dreams hold the key. This one, I’m not ashamed of. I am coming to terms with it.
The 3rd one, I told a boy in the throws of pseudo passion. This one? Well, it’s just funny.
Wouldn’t it be hilarious if anon was just one person? Everything no one ever has the balls to say was just one person who was literally named anon?
Then, it would be like this “anon” person had balls & wasn’t just too big of a pussy to say what they really think, even on the internet. Let’s face it, motherfuckers…if you can’t even talk shit on the internet or say what you’re thinking, well…I look forward to seeing you sitting in the corner silently judging everyone around you.
I have realized some things. Dr.Dog last night was amazing. They honestly never fail to put on a beyond epic show. This show was even better than the last one. The opening band Here We Go Magic also did not disappoint. Dr.Dog puts so much energy into their shows & they just always blow me away. I loved it. I loved being at a show & not staring across the stage into the eyes of someone I don’t really care to look in the eyes. It felt nice to not now a soul. Everyone was there for music, not to be seen. Not to be a superior hipster fuck as is often the case when in Salt Lake. It was refreshing to know no one, it was terrifying.
Also: I unfollowed a bunch of those really popular people who rarely actually say anything beyond flaunting all of their tumblr fans. Give me something real, or don’t fucking give me anything at all.
I am just at a place today where I woke up completely out of sorts from the get-go. I have been a space cadet & barely on the ball. Luckily, I didn’t have to work out of pure luck which has helped (or hurt?). Who even knows. Tomorrow I hope to wake up & be ready to go.
I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. If I moved back to Utah in January, I will always regret giving up on Colorado so easily. I just want things to fall into place perfectly. One of my biggest strengths & biggest flaws is living my life with the future in mind. It’s helped me to not sacrifice tomorrow for the sake of today. It’s also crippled me into not enjoying today while I worry about tomorrow. If I stay in Colorado, I will be 10 hours away from my mother & the ache that I feel in my heart being so far away from her will continue. Thinking about my mom turns my stomach because I would do anything to be sitting next to her right now. She is my heartbeat, she is my best friend, I absolutely adore her. On the other hand, there is nothing in Utah for me anymore. There is nothing waiting there for me. There is so much to explore here.
School. You can’t get residency in Colorado untill you’re 23. That means I’d be taking two semester of online courses in order to not fall behind where I want to be degree-wise. I could go back to Utah, do school and not end up paying a shit load. I have no idea what to do. The only thing I know is that I want to get my Elementary Ed degree & teach school. That has been my constant. Where, when, how, with who…Those are questions I can’t answer.
Early Twenties. I think this is all normal stuff to feel at this age. You’re in between your “real life” of being an adult and the teen years are behind you. You’re pressured to figure out what you’re doing. I’m terrified to let apathy take over me & scared to (I hate this)…end up like I’m convinced my friends will. I don’t want to be drinking beer untill I’m 45, accidentally getting pregnant & married. I don’t want to watch everyone live some pseudo rock star lifestyle & diminish into nothing. I need progression, I need forward movement. Today is just one of those days where my brain won’t stop. It won’t leave me alone.
Tell me I’m not alone.
Today is just a day where I need to know: Someone else feels like me, right?
So uhhh.. I donno where you're from, but in CT, girls can marry. And by girls, I mean you and me. As an incentive, I have 2 carats waiting for ya. So for TMI tuesday... What do you think of this arrangement?
I am from UTAH…where they want everything the opposite of gay marriage. As for the marriage proposal, I am flustered by this offer yet intuiged. 2 carats is quite tempting…tell me, is it a canary diamond?
My thoughts: My first inclination is to (of course) be in. The problem? I think hazytides & myself have been in speaks of marriage. Shit, though…You do seem pretty serious. My heart is torn.